ZAAN (Sidewinders: Generations Book 1) Read online

  “You want to have dinner day after tomorrow?”

  “Yes.” She didn’t even hesitate and I reached out to touch her face, running two fingers along the curve of her jaw.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Lex. Just do what you need to do. If you need me, I’m a phone call away.” I impulsively leaned over and kissed her forehead. “See you later.”

  “Bye.” She looked so sad I was almost reluctant to leave.

  I drove home on autopilot, my heart in my throat. I was probably an idiot, but she’d always had this effect on me. I loved her. That was the long and short of it. It wasn’t an excuse, merely my reality. She loved me too, though. I knew that. What I didn’t know was what, if anything, had changed and if her feelings were as strong as mine. Yes, her career was temporarily derailed, but she was talented and successful. She wouldn’t just walk away from music, so I had to make sure she didn’t break my heart all over again. No matter what signals she’d been sending. That was the scariest thing, because being with her again showed me just how much I still loved her, how I would do anything for her, to be with her, to win her back.

  Though I loved Lexi more than anything, when we’d broken up a little over a year ago, I’d sowed some oats. There had been some memorable one-night stands, and a stripper that had opened up a whole new world to me between the sheets, but I’d known pretty quickly my feelings for her were more like friends with benefits. I dated other women but hadn’t even come close to having real feelings for them. The sex had mostly been nice. I might even venture to call it good, but not like what Lexi and I had had once upon a time. Though we’d been young and somewhat inexperienced, the emotions had made up for what we didn’t have in skill.

  I didn’t sleep well that night and was glad to have a morning skate the next day. Being with my team, playing hockey, that was the one thing that kept me sane amidst the heartbreak. Though I buried the pain of my broken heart and kept it mostly to myself, my closest buddies knew I still loved her and they had done what they could to get me through the worst of it. Of course, I was losing all my single buddies at an alarming rate. Everyone was falling in love and getting married, having babies, doing all the things I wanted to do with Lexi. It was bitterly ironic.

  “Hey.” Nate Calloway joined me as we warmed up on the ice.

  “Hey.”

  “That was some insanity with Special Kay, huh? I’m glad Lexi’s okay.”

  “Me too.” I nodded, holding my hockey stick in front of me as I took a few warm-up laps around the ice.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah.” Nate was a good guy and not someone who teased me about how I felt about the girl who’d broken my heart. He’d also been there with me when Lexi and I had what I considered our big breakup, so he understood better than some of the other guys. “It’s just eye-opening, getting another chance to talk…”

  “I bet,” he said softly. “Are you two…talking?”

  “Yeah. I’m going to take her to dinner tomorrow night. Or maybe we’ll stay in, but we’re definitely getting together.”

  “That’s good. Right?”

  “I don’t know. I mean, in spite of what’s happened, she’s not going to just stop playing music, touring, recording. I don’t know what that means for me, or for us.”

  “Have faith,” he said. “You two have a strong bond. She’s rich and successful. She didn’t have to call you when she was in trouble the other night. She could have called her dad, found a dozen other ways to handle it. But when she needed someone, she immediately turned to you. That says something.”

  “I guess.” We skated back to the bench, listening as Coach Wylde gave us a brief pep talk for tonight’s game.

  I was glad to have something to think about other than Lexi, and I honestly forgot about her for a few hours. Between the morning skate and my game-day afternoon nap, it wasn’t until I got to the arena that night and saw Rob, Lexi’s father, that I thought about her again.

  “Hey.” He smiled at me as we walked toward the dressing room.

  “How’s Lexi? Is she coming tonight?”

  “Yeah. Mr. Finch offered to let her watch from his box, so she’ll be fairly undercover.”

  “Oh, good. I’m glad she’s here.”

  “Me too.” Rob cocked his head slightly. “She said you two were going to dinner tomorrow night and it might not be a good idea to go out. The press has been going at her hard, trying to find out why she really left the band. They’ve been hounding her nonstop.”

  I grimaced. We’d been afraid of that. “How’s she handling it?”

  “She’s okay, but I don’t think you two going to a restaurant is a good idea.”

  “We’ll order in,” I said automatically.

  Rob smiled, patting me on the shoulder. “Good man.”

  Jesus. Lexi and me alone at my place. That was a recipe for disaster. It had taken all my self-control not to really touch her the other night. Having her in my bed, wearing my T-shirt, had been the epitome of torture, though I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.

  Dammit. I needed to get her out of my head or I’d never be able to focus on the game. Normally I could compartmentalize, but this was too new, too raw, for me to just push all thoughts of her aside.

  Luckily, the game went well and once I was on the ice, my body took over, so I wasn’t distracted. I scored in the third period and as my teammates surrounded me for the post-goal hug, I couldn’t help but glance up toward the owner’s box. I saw her right away, standing up cheering, a baseball cap on her head. But I’d recognize that jean-clad body anywhere, the way she moved, the long blond hair covering her chest.

  Damn, she was beautiful, even from this distance, and I smiled to myself as I skated back to the bench.

  “Nice one, Hagen.” Coach Wylde tapped me on the head.

  I nodded in acknowledgement and settled down beside my buddy Tore Brekken.

  “If this is how you’re gonna play when she’s back in your life, you need to keep her around,” he said.

  I gave him a look. I hadn’t scored since Christmas, so it felt good to be back on my game, but I didn’t want to equate my effectiveness on the ice with Lexi’s reappearance. “I wouldn’t count on that,” I said, keeping my eyes trained on the play.

  He was smart enough to let it go, but now that he’d planted the seed, I figured it was going to haunt me for a while.

  Lexi’s name was all over the media for the next twenty-four hours, and by the time I picked her up late the following afternoon, I had a feeling she would be stressed and exhausted. Based on the dark circles under her eyes, I was right and didn’t say anything as she climbed into my truck. I just closed the fingers of my right hand through those of her left and headed toward my condo.

  She reached over and turned on the radio, pushing some buttons until she found a song she liked. “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” was one of our favorites, one we’d sung together at karaoke what felt like a million years ago. She glanced at me with a grin and I immediately started to sing Meat Loaf’s part. I couldn’t really sing well, but it was fun to sing with her, and we’d done it a lot when we were together. Even though she sang for a living, she still enjoyed it in a casual setting like this, which was interesting to me.

  We sang the rest of the way home since I didn’t live that far from her dad and it was a long song. Eleven minutes or so later, we pulled into the underground parking garage for my condo and I took her hand again as we went up the elevator. Other than singing, she’d been quiet, and I wasn’t sure where to go with this.

  “You okay, doll?” I asked her as we got inside.

  “I’m getting there.” She moved closer to me and rested her head on my chest. “It’s been a rough couple of days, but I’m okay.”

  “Come on, let’s relax.” I tugged her to the couch and sank down on it. She immediately nestled against me and my arms closed around her of their own volition.

  Shit.

  We needed to talk sooner rather t
han later.

  “Babe?”

  “Hmm?” She didn’t even look up, her body molded to mine.

  “You want to finish our talk?”

  “Sure.” She adjusted slightly, so she could gaze up at me.

  Damn, she was beautiful. Big blue eyes, straight little nose, full red lips, and a smattering of freckles across her cheeks, which I loved. She’d always hated them, covering them with makeup, but I loved when she didn’t cover them. She had light makeup on tonight, so I could see them, but only because our faces were so close together.

  “Where do you want to start?” I finally managed to ask.

  “With what you said.”

  I swallowed. I knew what she was referring to and this was going to be such a hard conversation. It didn’t have to be, but it was hard to tell the woman you loved that she was your everything when you had no idea how she might respond.

  “I’ve never loved anyone but you. You know that.”

  “No,” she said softly. “I didn’t. I thought…when you came to me in Vancouver and officially broke things off, I thought maybe you were just being nice by telling me we needed time to do our own things, that it was too hard to be together in the meantime. I thought you were tired of me and all my shit.”

  “I was being nice,” I said slowly. “Because I love you.”

  Her breath caught a little, her eyes never leaving mine. “Still?”

  “Of course. You’re my soulmate, Lexi. That’s never going to change, even when you have all kinds of shit going on.”

  “Oh, Zaan.” She dropped her head to my chest, as if a huge weight had been removed, and then she just lay there.

  “Lex?”

  “Just under four years ago, I left on the adventure of a lifetime. I was so excited, so ready to become a star…”

  “You are a star,” I whispered.

  “But it’s nothing like what I thought it would be. Instead of getting out there every night and performing for people, it became about surviving every day with three women who hate me, a tour manager who never stopped trying to get in my pants, and rabid fans who never let me rest. I thought I could have it all, both you and my career, but you had your own life, your own budding career, and there was no way for us to be together. So I tried to give you space, let you do what you needed to do, hoping we’d make the time to be together. Instead, I lost myself and you too. It was so much, so overwhelming, it felt like I was drowning…and when I reached for you, you were always out of reach.”

  “Baby, I was never out of reach. Never.”

  “But back then, it felt like if I reached for you, and you became my lifeline, I’d drag you down and you’d drown with me.”

  “I’m way too strong a swimmer for that,” I whispered. “Plus, I would never let you drown because there’s never been anyone but you. If you go under, I do too, whether we’re together or not. Even now, with you going through this shit with the band, it guts me. I want to protect you, take care of you…” I shuddered, wrapping my arms more tightly around her.

  “I know.” She burrowed deeper into my chest. “I fucking know.”

  “So what now, baby? Talk to me.”

  “I don’t know.” She slowly lifted her head. “I have no plans, nothing to do, nowhere to go. At least not while we’re trying to figure out if I can get out of my contract. I was kind of hoping maybe we could spend some time together, because I’ve really missed you even though you’ve always been there for me.”

  “I’m busy with hockey,” I said slowly, “but I’ll carve out as much free time for you as I can, and I’m all yours.”

  She blinked away tears I hadn’t realized had gathered in her eyes. “I’ve never deserved you,” she whispered. “I was a disaster both physically and mentally when we met, and now I am again, except this time emotionally.”

  “You were never a disaster,” I whispered back. “You’re part of me. Then, now, always.”

  “Zaan?”

  “Yeah, honey?”

  “Will you kiss me?”

  5

  Lexi

  “I thought you’d never ask.”

  He leaned down, his lips finding mine gently. It had been so long since we’d kissed like this. Tender, romantic, with a promise of nothing and everything, all at once. My mouth opened beneath his, our tongues sliding together in a slow, sensual dance. Jesus, this right here was the very definition, the true meaning, of the word home. For me anyway. We didn’t have to be naked or having sex for our connection to ignite. It always brewed just beneath the surface, since the day we’d met, and now that he was holding me again, it was spectacular. Familiar and sexy and perfect. Everything was perfect when we were together.

  “Lex…” He pulled away slightly, his beautiful hazel eyes fixed on mine.

  “What’s wrong?” I put a hand on one side of his face.

  “Nothing. I’ve just missed you so damn much and now that you’re here with me again, I want you so much that it’s a little hard to breathe.”

  I fell more in love with this guy every time he opened his mouth and it was as wonderful as it was terrifying.

  “I want to make love with you again more than I’ve ever wanted to do anything,” I said quietly.

  He didn’t respond, merely pressed his lips to mine while simultaneously lifting to his feet with me in his arms. He continued kissing me as he carried me to his bedroom and slowly lowered me to the bed. His eyes blazed with intensity as he pulled his shirt over his head and I was momentarily speechless as I took in his bare torso. I knew his body intimately, inside and out, but he’d changed in the best of ways. He’d gotten bigger, his arms and chest more muscular than they’d been three years ago. He’d filled out, become a man beyond the already amazing one he’d been when we’d met.

  “God, you’re gorgeous,” I breathed as he removed the rest of his clothes.

  “Not as gorgeous as you,” he responded, gently tugging off my jeans.

  Our eyes remained glued together as he undressed me, slowly and methodically, as if he couldn’t stand to have a stitch of clothing between us. I unconsciously resisted for a moment when he reached for my bra. He’d seen me with no breasts, and he’d seen me just after my first breast implant surgery, but he’d never seen the final product, the breasts I had now.

  “What is it?” he asked softly. “I already know what your chest looks like.”

  “Not the latest version.” I slowly let my arms drop away. I wasn’t embarrassed by my body anymore. That was one thing I would always be grateful to Declan for. I hadn’t told him anything about the cancer or my breasts before we slept together and he hadn’t reacted negatively at all. He’d touched every inch of my tattooed chest, asking questions about the fake nipples, about sensitivity, about everything. He’d made me feel sexy, which at the time had been important.

  Zaan hadn’t had that opportunity until now, so his reaction was even more important. And his didn’t disappoint. His eyes softened as he took in my chest. I’d kept my implants small, a B cup, but they were perky and round and I truly didn’t have to wear a bra if I didn’t want to, though I usually did. I’d had nipples put on with tattoos that looked real from a distance, though you could see they weren’t if you got up close. I’d also had flowers tattooed all over my chest, a collage of colors to remind me that I was alive, that I’d beaten that awful disease and while my chest would always bear the scars from the mastectomy, it could still be pretty.

  “Wow.” Zaan’s breath was warm on my skin as he leaned closer, one hand cupping the side of my left breast while the other traced lines around the nipples. “They’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.”

  “You sure?” I asked, my voice a little strained. Declan had been nice, but Zaan was the love of my life. I cared what he thought more than anyone in the world.

  “Sure?” He smiled. “God, yes. They’re amazing. Do they hurt?”

  “Not at all. There isn’t much sensitivity, though, like real breasts. But there’s pleasure when
you touch them, the same as if you were stroking the skin on almost any other part of my body.”

  “That’s okay.” He trailed his fingers along both breasts now, familiarizing himself with my body again. We hadn’t made love in a long time, and I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed this intimacy until now. Being this close to him, naked, completely vulnerable, was intoxicating.

  “I need to get a condom,” he said, starting to move away.

  “I’m protected,” I whispered, reaching for his arm. “And I don’t want to feel anything between us. I need to feel all of you.”

  “We’ve never done that before,” he said, moving over me slowly. “In fact, I’ve never done that with anyone.”

  “Me either.”

  Our eyes met and he settled on top of me, holding himself up on his elbows as he looked down into my face. “Like this, baby?”

  “Uh-huh.” I didn’t care about an orgasm. I wanted—no, I needed—him to consume me. To remind me where we’d been and where we were going. I didn’t care where it was as long as we were together.

  He lowered his head to mine and kissed me, this time with purpose and passion. It was still sexy and sensual, but it was also the kind of kiss that promised something. It didn’t have a name, but it had all the feelings, all the emotions, all the things I’d been without since I’d been without him. He broke the kiss and pressed his forehead to mine, our eyes linked as he slowly pressed into me. Hard and thick and warm. Both of us drew in deep, shuddery breaths as he continued, until he was fully seated. It had been nearly a year since I’d had sex and my body momentarily resisted the intrusion, but I didn’t care.

  “Am I hurting you?” he asked softly.

  I shook my head. “No. It’s wonderful. You’re wonderful.” I wanted to close my eyes but there was no way to look away, to break the gaze that kept us connected beyond the physical.