Suze's Diary: A Las Vegas Sidewinders Companion Novella Read online

  SUZE’S DIARY

  A SIDEWINDERS COMPANION NOVELLA

  KAT MIZERA

  Copyright © 2022 by Kat Mizera

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  Created with Vellum

  CONTENTS

  Introduction

  1. May 10, 2005

  2. August, 2005

  3. December 31, 2005

  4. April 2006

  5. July 2006

  6. Christmas 2006

  7. April 1, 2007

  8. June 2007

  9. September 2007

  10. January 1, 2008

  11. April 2, 2008

  12. August 2008

  13. October 2008

  14. Valentine’s Day, 2009

  15. May 2009

  16. August, 2009

  17. October, 2009

  18. January, 2010

  19. May, 2010

  20. June, 2010

  21. December, 2010

  22. April, 2011

  23. September, 2011

  24. December, 2011

  25. March 2012

  26. May 2012

  27. July 2012

  28. October 2012

  29. April 1, 2013

  30. October 2013

  31. February 2014

  32. June 2014

  33. August 2014

  34. April 2015

  35. December 2015

  36. November 2016

  37. October 2017

  38. June 2018

  Also by Kat Mizera

  About the Author

  INTRODUCTION

  Dear Readers:

  This isn’t a new book in the Sidewinders series. It’s not a stand alone and you definitely don’t want to read it if you haven’t read at least the first two books in the Las Vegas Sidewinders series.

  Since you only got to share Suze and Cody’s story through the eyes of their friends, and one short Christmas novella, this is her diary. It starts right after the death of CJs biological father, Brian Barnett, who was also Suze’s college sweetheart. You’ll see what Suze went through losing Brian, finding out CJ wasn’t Cody’s son, falling in love with Cody, and finally getting to a point where she feels she doesn’t need to write anymore.

  So sit down with your favorite beverage and dig in—Suze’s Diary fills in many of the gaps that you never got to see on the page and recaps a lot of events from this fifteen-book series that you may have forgotten.

  Enjoy!

  Love, Kat

  1

  MAY 10, 2005

  I’m pregnant.

  Oh. My. God.

  If I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they just did.

  I’ve taken ten tests.

  All positive.

  All a direct reflection of the spectacular disaster my life has become.

  How could you leave me, Brian? Like, seriously, how could you do this to me? I’ve never cried so many tears or physically ached for someone the way I do for you. You swore to love and take care of me always. We had a plan, you bastard. We were supposed to get married this summer before you start your NHL career.

  What is this death bullshit?

  I’m so fucking pissed at you, Brian Barnett. I know it’s not your fault, not really, but how could you leave me like this? And now I have to tell your best friend—whom I fucked in a car outside the bar we went to after your funeral—that I’m pregnant. So you’ve ruined my life and I’m about to ruin his.

  I’ve never wanted to get drunk so badly in my life. Except I can’t because, you know, there’s a fucking baby.

  A baby!

  I can’t even take care of myself. How the fuck am I going to take care of a baby? Cody will send money. I know that. But what about being a dad? Actually seeing his kid? How are we going to do that with him in Toronto and me home in South Carolina? At least if it was your baby, I could probably move in with your parents, but this is an epic clusterfuck. EPIC!

  You and I always used condoms, without fail, so Cody and I must have been incredibly irresponsible. Well, we were drunk. Irresponsible doesn’t touch on what we did. God, were we drunk. I just needed someone to touch me. To make me feel alive again for a few minutes, because I went completely numb during your funeral.

  Completely, absolutely, 100% devoid of emotion.

  One good orgasm shocked me back to reality. How’s that for fucked up?

  And ended up with a baby inside me to boot.

  Are you mad yet? Are you anywhere near as mad as I am?

  Of course not. You’re dead.

  Dammit, Brian, what am I going to do?

  Cody’s a good guy. I know he’ll support his child, but who’s going to support me?

  2

  AUGUST, 2005

  It’s been a few months since I’ve written in this diary because my life has changed in ways that are hard to explain. When I told Cody I was pregnant, the last thing I expected was for him to ask me to marry him. Immediately. But he did and I did and here we are.

  I guess I”m going to keep this diary as a way to document everything I’m feeling as I move forward without you, Brian. It’s the only thing I can do. I wake up every day and put one foot in front of the other. There is no other direction to go.

  Forward.

  Without you.

  Cody and I have been in Toronto for two months now and I think I'm finally learning my way around. Our apartment is great, big with lots of windows and underground parking. We've got a spare bedroom for the baby and Cody wants to start decorating soon. We definitely won't be able to stay here more than a year since we both want a house when the baby comes, but for now this is great and gives us time to figure out where we want to buy something. He's close to the arena and I'm in a busy, populated area with shopping, restaurants and night life. Not that I feel like going out at night.

  I'm four months pregnant and although they say you get a burst of energy in the second trimester, I'm still waiting for that. I sleep a lot, but I guess that's okay because I don't really feel like doing anything. Cody and I met up with a couple of the other players and their wives for dinner last night and it was nice, but my eyes were starting to close by ten o’clock. Luckily, the other wives have been pregnant before so they were nice about it.

  Cody and I have been married for a little over two months and it's going better than I thought it would. He's really sweet. He's doing great considering one minute he was single, the next he was married and having a kid. I haven't seen him get frustrated or impatient even once, and I know I've been a hormonal nightmare. But he just holds my hand or strokes my hair when I cry and tells me it's going to be okay. I just don't know how anything is ever going to be okay.

  Brian's been gone four months. Four months since I've seen his smile or had his arms around me. Four months since those monsters killed him. Four months since I lost the love of my life. Cody doesn't know, but I have a tape from my answering machine with Brian's last couple of messages. When Cody's at the gym or out with friends I play it and listen to Brian's sweet voice; I don't know if I'll ever get past this. I miss him sooooo much. I talked to his mom, Andra, last night and we both cried.

  Well, Cody will be back from the gym soon and we're going to Niagara Falls for the weekend, so I have to get going. Hoping it takes my mind off everything. He says we need to get away--I think he's ready to start having sex and I don't know what to do about that. Cod
y is gorgeous--tall and blond, with a face that should be on magazine covers. There's nothing wrong with him. It's just me. Missing Brian. Feeling fat and pregnant. Wanting to go back in time to when Brian was still alive and we had our whole future ahead of us. I don't know what to do with this wonderful man I call my husband but I don't feel anything for except friendship. My dead boyfriend's best friend. God, what have I gotten myself into?

  3

  DECEMBER 31, 2005

  I can’t believe I’m a mom. Cody Brian Armstrong was born at 9:05 a.m. on December 29th. He was 8 pounds, 9 ounces and 21 inches long. He’s got a whole bunch of super white fuzzy hair on his head and eyes that seem blue—just like mine and Cody’s. We think we’re going to call him CJ, even though technically he’s not Cody Junior since Cody’s middle name is John, but we think calling him Cody will get confusing and there’s no way in hell we can call him Brian…

  I’m a little bummed that the new house isn’t ready yet, but we should close in a few weeks. My mom is coming in a few days to help out while Cody’s on the road, and she’ll stay until we move in. I’m really grateful because being a mom is pretty scary. Cody took a few days off when the baby was born, so we could have a little time together, just the three of us, to settle into being a family. I don’t know how I feel about all of this, but CJ is the coolest thing that’s ever happened to me. I didn’t think I would ever love someone this much, but he’s just this beautiful little bundle of love. When I look into his sweet face, all the pain of the last nine months fades just a little.

  Even though things with Cody and I are still kind of weird, I have to say he was awesome throughout the pregnancy and birth. He was at my side the whole time I was in labor, making jokes, holding my hand and making sure I had everything I needed. He didn’t try to pretend like everything was going to be okay—he asked me what I needed from him and gave it to me. I don’t know why he decided to step up and take care of us, but I’m so glad he did. Of course, he was Brian’s best friend, but I just don’t understand why he took it on himself. Yes, we had sex and got pregnant, but he didn’t have to marry me and bring me to Toronto with him. He could’ve just sent money every month. That’s not who he is, though. No, Cody’s a better man than that. He wants to make sure we have everything we need, and he’s going to make sure of that first-hand.

  In the meantime, the new house is going to be amazing! It has four bedrooms, a pool and a big, airy kitchen. It’s in a nice neighborhood with security gates and a playground. It’s further from the arena than where we are now, but everyone we talked to says it’s a great area with good schools and easy access to everything. We don’t know how long we’ll be here, but Cody said he wanted us to have a home, not just a place to live. See what I mean? He’s so amazing and I don’t get it—I don’t understand why he’s being so good to me. Even though it looks like CJ is his son, he didn’t have to keep me too. I wish I understood all of this, but we're heading into a new year, a new home, a new beginning. I really, really hope it's better than last year.

  4

  APRIL 2006

  Sex. It’s pretty much the elephant in the room. ALL. THE. TIME. It’s not like Cody and I have never slept together, but we also didn’t do anything except get drunk and fall into bed together. Well, it was more like his car outside the bar where we’d been drinking. So we’re married and have a kid, but have only had sex once, in the back of his car. A car we don’t even own anymore. We didn’t even have sex on our honeymoon—I wasn’t ready and he was gentleman enough not to push it. Crap.

  Last night he tried to kiss me and I let him, but then I said no. I feel like a jerk. He deserves better. I just don’t know what to do. It’s been a year since we lost Brian and I know it’s time to move on. Cody is wonderful—good-looking, kind, generous, and such a great dad. I watch the look on his face when he sees CJ after getting home from a trip and I fall a little bit in love with him every single time. I still miss Brian, but our new life in Toronto is pretty great. Our house is gorgeous and Cody told me to buy whatever I wanted. It was kind of scary at first—neither of us have ever had this kind of money—but we share the banking and the bills, so we know what we’re doing and have a budget. A budget! I sound like a grown-up! Oh, well, I guess I’m married and a mom, so I should be a grown-up… it’s just kind of weird.

  CJ is growing so fast, almost four months old and smiling and gurgling and trying to make sounds. Cody is like a little kid with him, laying on the floor and staring at him for hours at a time. It’s nice, because I get to have a little time to myself, but it’s lonely too. I wish we were a real couple, enjoying our baby together. Instead, it’s me and CJ or him and CJ. Sure, we have meals together and go out once in a while, but hockey keeps him busy and the baby keeps me busy. He’s still not sleeping through the night, so I nap when he does and try to get as much done as I can when Cody’s home.

  I think the worst thing about Toronto is being lonely. I’ve met a few of the other wives but they’re in real relationships, where they fell in love and got married. Everyone knows I was Brian Barnett’s girl; everyone had been watching the hotshot goalie from Boston College. Then suddenly I was married to his best friend, and obviously people know there’s a baby… if you put two and two together, I’m either a whore or a gold-digger. I’m not sure what’s worse. Cody is super protective of me, and we tell the truth about having drunk sex after the funeral—after all, the only other options are whore and gold-digger. Ugh.

  So sex or no sex? I mean, should I deprive both of us out of guilt? I don’t know what to do. My mom says go for it; my friends from college say I’m being silly. I wish I knew what Brian would want me to do. I know he would want me to be happy, but happy was with him. Without him, I don’t know how to be happy. Do I?

  5

  JULY 2006

  Summer vacation sure doesn’t mean the same thing when you’re a married parent that it did when you were a single college student. With hockey season over and Cody home all the time, it’s different around the house. We go to bed together, we wake up together, we do things with CJ together… it’s like being a real couple. Except we’re not. And yeah, we started having sex. He’s pretty amazing, even though I’m having a little trouble with it. Not the sex itself—that’s awesome—but after. I always think about Brian and wonder what he would say if he was here. Then I remember that if he was here, I wouldn’t be with Cody. How fucked up is that???

  I don’t know what to think sometimes. Life is good. Life is almost great. And Brian is in that awful cemetery in Boston, becoming one with nature. He was 22. He was signed to the Bruins and had a bright future ahead of him. He was just about to graduate with a degree in engineering. Brian was the whole package—smart, good-looking, athletic, talented, strong, and soooo romantic. He was everything to me and moving on like he never existed feels wrong on so many levels. I want so much to be able to talk to Cody about how I feel, but I can see the hurt in his eyes whenever Brian’s name comes up. I guess he’s grieving in his own way and I’m still too raw to help with that.

  We got some weird news today: Our friends from college, Sergei and Maria, are moving to Russia. They eloped yesterday and got on a plane to Moscow. Sergei is going to play in the KHL and I guess Maria is going to be a Russian housewife. I don’t think she’s going to be very happy, but I never thought they were a good couple anyway. Sergei was never the kind of guy that slept around much, but he always treated Maria like an afterthought. I was shocked when they got serious, and hearing they got married makes me wonder if something’s going on with him.

  Dom is coming to visit next week and I’m really looking forward to seeing him. He didn’t have a great year in the NHL this season, so I hope the boys can do some bonding and Cody can help him get his head on straight. I think we’re all still grieving while we pretend to move on and I don’t believe any of us are truly happy. I keep thinking I should go talk to someone, a therapist or something, but I’m afraid it would hurt Cody’s feelings. Maybe whe
n hockey season starts I can do it without him knowing… is that wrong? I’m not trying to go behind his back but I just don’t know what to do with all these feelings. I’m so confused. I want to be happy—I want to fall in love with him—but something is holding me back. Brian is right there between us—in bed, in my head and I think in Cody’s head too. He’s just too much of a guy to admit it.

  Thank goodness for CJ. If there’s anything that’s going right in my life it’s this seven-month-old blue-eyed angel who steals my heart every time he says, “Mama” or giggles, or falls asleep on my chest. I love being a mom. I wasn’t sure what it was going to be like, especially considering how I got pregnant, but I shouldn’t have worried. He’s just a doll and I love him to death. Cody does too, which is really great. If only we were a real family… I hope CJ never finds out how messed up his parents are or we can find a way to make things right before he’s old enough to notice.

  After Dom leaves we’re going on vacation. Cody’s parents are coming to stay with CJ and we’re going to New York City for four days. Cody thinks taking me shopping will make me happy… he doesn’t understand that I just need to feel secure again, like I know what’s going to happen in my life instead of waking up every day wondering who I am and whether or not I belong here. This just doesn’t feel like my life; I feel like an imposter, some girl who got knocked up and took over Cody Armstrong’s life. I mean, really—why would he be sacrificing so much for someone he had a one-night-stand with? He was close to Brian, and I was Brian’s girl, but it seems like he’s doing more than he should. I’m afraid one day he’s going to wake up and realize how much he gave up for me, and ask for a divorce. I don’t know how I would stand it.